kiss.kiss.kill.kill.

depressed.

i haven’t been on here in forever. i just need to vent and get this all out somewhere..

i’m so fucking depressed. i just don’t know where to turn. i honestly came to the realization last night that no matter if things work out or if they don’t, i’ll be happy. i just hope i can realize which way it’s going to go soon because the way things are, i can’t take it. i’m so tired of being sad and feeling unappreciated and disrespected constantly. i want to be happy again. if things are going to get better, wonderful. if not, i have a lot of work ahead of me, but i think i’ll be able to handle it. it will be tough and i’m sure there will be a lot of stress and tears, but i’ll be able to push through. i would have to. i think i’d be able to honestly smile and mean it again.

i’m depressed because i want to be in school. it’s virtually impossible right now and it kills me. if i wanted to go to school for something that i could take online classes for, it would be so fucking easy. i want to do something hands on though.. cosmetology or culinary. i would love to be able to do either, but it’s impossible. i work 7-3:30 everyday and then i’m fulltime mommy from 4-6:30am. it kills me when i hear everyone talking about how much they love school and it kills me even more to see people waste their time and not give a fuck about it. i regret so much the time i wasted. i wish i wouldn’t have been a dumbass and went to school for something i wanted after dropping out of wilkes rather than becoming a bum. i hate myself for it and it’s something i’ll never forgive myself for.

i’ve been in so much pain lately. i try to do everything i can around the house, but it’s hard when you hurt so bad you can’t stand up straight. it’s shitty when you try your best to do what you can but it goes unappreciated.

i don’t know where to go from here, but i’ll continue to put on my happy face and pretend not to care.

Posted 12 months ago — 1 note